Humor
Look here for a few little things to brighten your day!
Two old guys, one 70 and one 75, were sitting on a park bench one morning.  The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.  The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.  The 75-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.  It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."  So, on the way home the 70-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"  She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.  Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves."  She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to eat the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."  He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me"
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods.  He leaned his old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.  As luck would have it, his foolish Lab "Dawson" knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.  Several  hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was  his doctor, Sven.  "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.  Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."  "What's the bad news?", asks Ole  "The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."  "Well, I  guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"  "Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take my TV, just the remote.   Now he drives by and changes the channels.  Sick bastard!!

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community…. and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.  The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.  But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, “Gosh, I’d really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place”.

A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.  He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”   “Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.  “Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.  On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”  The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.  When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”  She paused and said, “Yes?”  The bird said, “You know.”

This guy says to his buddy, “You’ll never believe what happened last night.”  His buddy says, “Well then, tell me what happened.”  The guy says, “Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.”   She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”  I said, “Of course, you can,” and shut the door.

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. “Murphy,” he asked, “How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?” “Ten” said Murphy. So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over. “Murphy,” he said. “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 left over!” “That’s funny,” said Murphy. “So did I.”

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."  The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"  The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."  The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"  The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.  The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription." 

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You Bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."  The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"  The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom........ "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"Paddy stands up and says....... "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one." 

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in an undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor , I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.  "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"  Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."  He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"  Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."  The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny.  "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this one on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"  Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny and trouble were old friends,...... but he always told her the truth.   "You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!  "My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! He sneaked out to the hen house, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"  "Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

Tom decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.  His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.  After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat".  Tom gets this horrified look on his face.  She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"  Tom replies, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."  "Ex-wife!,”  she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"   "I wasn't!"

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.  The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.  The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."  Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey, take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."    A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid, make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"


A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'


A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.  The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'  'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'  The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?  'What's so special about it?'  The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'  The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'  'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'   The woman giggles and replies: 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!' The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, ' The Damn thing's an hour fast.'


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile." The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Ole Swenson, Norwegian from Minnesota, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken."


In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.   Sensing  that her final days were rapidly approaching,  and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the  town's undertaker (who also happened to be the  local postmaster) to make proper final arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: BORN  A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN Not  long after, the old maid died peacefully.   A  few days after the funeral, as  the undertaker-postmaster went to prepare  the tombstone the lady had requested, it  became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording she had chosen.   He  thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece  of stone.   For  days, he agonised over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate  solution to the problem.   The  virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:     RETURNED  UNOPENED  


Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I’m not giving him any of mine. The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"


The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!" The clerk replies, "Of course you can! Look at him. He's too afraid to cough!"


A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?" The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep." The man says, "And the Viagra?" "Keeps him from rolling out of bed."


A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog cocked its leg, then urinated on its owner. Calmly, the blind man reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog. A passer by who'd seen everything remarked: That's extremely tolerant of you, especially after what he just did." "Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the *##* !"


Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and 'mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."


A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator then proceeded to pull out a .45 automatic and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."


A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered. Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said as he handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said. I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and she's next.


A furniture dealer from Alabama decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Alabama. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house . Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which the did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. So, they left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, and after he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business....Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.


A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith" The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh? The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for about five minutes. Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"


Ole and Sven were having a holiday at the beach in Australia,but they couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So they asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard. "You're wearing those old, baggy Minnesota-style swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya. . . you'll have all the babes ya want!" The following day, they hit the beach with their spanking new tight Speedos and their fist-sized potatoes. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as they walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing...looking sick! So they went back to the lifeguard again and Sven asked him "Vat's wrong now? We still aren't picking up babes." "JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard. "The potato goes in front!"


A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer that is well over customs' limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes, perhaps?" "I would love to help you, Dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The Inspector asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The Inspector thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the Inspector said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next!"


A rancher needs to buy a bull to service his cows but has to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and tells the banker, "The bull serviced all my cows twice, broke through the fence, and serviced all my neighbor's cows three times." "Wow," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like chocolate."


An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Is that one word or two?"


A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Hummer I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your New York Giant's season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby replied; "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.


Ole and Lena vas dryfing down da road ven dey vent past Sven's place. Out front vas a 4x8 sheet uff plyvood wit a sign vat said "boat for sale" A little farther on Lena sez "I didn't know Sven had a boat" Ole says "he ain't got no boat. He ain't neffer had vun". Lena sez" Vell vat about dat sign? Do you tink Sven iss maybe gittin goofy?" Ole sez, "Vee bedder go back and sheck" Ven dey drive oop, Sven iss standing in da yard. Ole says, " Sven iss you feeling alright?" "Ya sure but I neffer felt better" sez Sven. "Vell vat about dat sign dere--You ain't got no boat," says Ole. "Vell," sez Sven "youse see dat Yon Deere tractor offer dere" "Ya" sez Ole. "And youse sees dat cultiwaiter dere behind it?" "Ya" sez Ole. "Vell, dere boat for sale!


A Florida couple, Moe and Flo, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" Moe says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" Moe says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, and we can't go to her house I'm married, and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."


An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"


There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out,"Crisco,"Crisssco!" Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five." "Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco,I am calling my wife." "Your wife is named "Crisco?" Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we're out in public." "Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?" "Lard ass."


Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?" Husband proudly replies, "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the IRS. '


Plopping himself onto a bar stool, a man ordered a beer. As he sat there drinking it, he heard someone say to him, “Nice shirt.” He looked around. There was no one else in the place, so he continued sipping. Then he heard someone say, “Nice tie.” Again he sees no one except the bartender. “Hey,” the man said, “you talking to me?” “Nope,” the bartender replied, “it was'nt’t me. It must have been the peanuts. They’re complimentary.


“How do they feel?” the shoe salesclerk asks a man trying on a pair of wingtips. “They’re a little too tight,” the customer answers. “Try pulling the tongue out,” the clerk offers. “Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” the man replies.


A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?" The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't ya come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody er paid me fer mah services before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered ... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."


A blonde pushes her car into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says: "What's the story?" He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor." She says, "How often do I have to do that?"


A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500 and leaves with a big smile on his face. Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies. "Great," the husband says. "Did he bring over the $500 dollars he owes me?


A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said. The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand .. I want something very unique," he said. At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" "I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday." Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. "You bastard, you lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had!"


A little old man shuffled...... slooooowly into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself slooooooowly, painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts? "No," he replied, "Arthritis".


A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast." The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have." The bartender says "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?" "I have................ only fifty cents!"


An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday"


A rancher was working his cattle one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby. After hunting about for a time, he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder near the calf's tail. Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he heard the Boomer Sooner fight song. Amazed, he put the calf in the truck and drove the animal to his Vet's office. When the vet asked him what was going on, the rancher told him. The vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen. He agreed he heard the Boomer Sooner fight song but didn't seem particularly excited. "Man, how can you stand there and not be amazed?" the rancher asked. The vet, a third generation Nebraska graduate, said, "Bud, I'm a Husker Fan, and I've been listening to asses sing that song all of my life."


A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?" The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it." After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."


A Woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."


True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys, then.....being assaulted with a broom by your wife, and still having the guts to ask:"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"


A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000.00, or you can bury her here in the Holdy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000.00 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?" The man replied, "a man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."


Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life." The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man. "Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair"


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."


Patrick O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his adult life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "Mr. O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?" O'Leary said, "I've got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me cap. I really, really loved that cap. I knew that Donald Shaunessy had one just like mine, and I knew that Shaunessy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunessy had to take off his cap during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunessy's cap." The priest said, "Well, Mr. O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Mr. Shaunessy's cap. What changed your mind?" O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the ten commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunessy's cap." The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said, "Ah, after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal," you decided you would rather do without your cap than burn in Hell, right?" O'Leary shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me cap."


Ole was pacing the expectant fathers' waiting room waiting for news on Lena and the baby. The doc came out and told Ole he had a son and all was well; he could see his son through the nursery window. Ole went to the window and asked to see the Thompson baby. The nurse looked surprised and asked if he was sure he wanted to see the baby before seeing Lena. "Someting wrong wit the baby?" he asked. "No, the baby is fine." "Vel bring him over so I can see him." The nurse did so and lo and behold she held up the cutest little black baby you ever saw. Upon seeing him, Ole got a big grin on his face and said, "Oh, dat Lena, she burns everyting!"


A good looking biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Next, he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand." "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. But in the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes, Lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."


A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence." Continuing, he said "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence." says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched roosters," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.


A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Bender for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?" The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles." The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?" The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."


A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. He then asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi who would surely know the correct answer. He told him of the conflicting advice he had received, and asked what he should do. " Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised, "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks." But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: "Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel." The man did not understand. "But, Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "It doesn't matter what you wear," replied the Rabbi, "You're going to get screwed."


A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employee womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."


An old pastor was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old pastor would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old pastor mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."


After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?" Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down." "Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, soma nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip. Everyting wasa Okey Dokey till we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.' "So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' "So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' "We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia anda! me , we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting ata da top of his a voice...'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!' "Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus!!


One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk. Ole turns to Sven and asks, "Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?" Swen says, "Donno, but I'm drunk enuf to go ask em!" So off they go to the apartment where Ole knocks on the door. Lena answers and says, "Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!" Ole no more than gets in the door when he says, "Ve yust come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us." Lena is really upset by this and throws them both out, slamming the door on them. Ole is persistent and knocks on the door again. Lena isn't stupid, she knows it's Ole and says, "Ole if you are gonna be so forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole." So Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, "Ven you girls gonna make out vit us?" Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and breaks wind. As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, "Vell Ole, vat did she say?" Ole says, "Vell, I tink she said FFFFfffffrrriiddaay, but her breath is so bad I'm not askin' again."


A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread,which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, starring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing in the crowd, staring up at her.Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too? "No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."


A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients". "Yes, sir..." answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?" Ole tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo! Ya, Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole. "Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!" And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor. "I put eye drops in her eyes."


A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer.. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"


A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant ... then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. She's dead. What'd you catch?"


A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."


A man goes surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way!! No needles!! I hate needles,' the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!!' The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection', says the patient, 'I'm fine with pills'. The dentist then returns and says, 'here's a Viagra tablet'. The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!' 'It doesn't', said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!!!


Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. 'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars.'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet she can't sing.'


Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench, a lady turned to Ole and said, 'Are you a pole vaulter?' Ole said, 'No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter.'


Benny died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Benny would be pleased,' she said. 'I'm sure you're right,' replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?' 'All of it,' said Sarah. 'Forty thousand.' 'No!' Jody exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?' Sarah answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.' Jody computed quickly. '$34,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?' 'Four and a half carats.'


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up the six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look! So the nun said, "This is for washing our hair." "Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me."


Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game. “What a terrible day,” he tells his wife. “Harry dropped dead on the tenth tee.” “Oh, that’s awful!” She says. “You’re not kidding,” says Fred. “For the whole back nine, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry…”


Definition of Liquidity - when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants!


Jack was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' 'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?' ****" No, but I will for the faucet."**** ... and this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between..' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!


After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice. 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?' He said, 'I found the remote'. THEN THE FIGHT STARTED


Two  young Swedish men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.  Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'  Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'  Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'  Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea!  Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'  Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'  Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'


A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.  " How much do you want for the mower? " asked the preacher.  " I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle, " said the little boy.  After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, " Will you take my bike in trade for it? "   The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, " Mister, you've got yourself a deal. " The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.  The preacher called the little boy over and said, " I can't get this mower to start. "  The little boy said, " That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started. "  The preacher said, " I can't cuss. I'm a preacher and it is something we can't do. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss. "  The little boy looked at him happily and said, " You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya. "


A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and sputter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.  Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."   The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.  There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."  Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.  When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said.  A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What s wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"  "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.  The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"  The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"  "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher ........ because the black horse don't know squat about cars.


The Maid asked for a raise.  The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"  Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."  Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"  Maria: "The Master said so."  Madam: "Oh."  Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."  Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"  Maria: "The Master did."  Madam: "Oh."  Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."  Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"  Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."  SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE


On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog.  He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.  About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree.  The redneck said that it was his.  The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."  The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat; she's cool kawse I got 'er tied under the shade tree."  The policeman says, "No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred."  "No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'er beef jerky this morning."  Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "No, you don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex."  The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head.  I always wanted a police dog!"


A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."  The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".   The guy says, "You kidding me!"   The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:  Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."  Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"  Man: "What sins?"   Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"  Man: "I'm Jewish."  ; Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"   Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."


A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eye s fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."  The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."  She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."


There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."   The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."   The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."  The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"   The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."


Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says"  I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!" And  the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "


After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came  to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.  Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, Utah scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Utah newspapers read: " Utah archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."  One week later, "The Rock Springs Rocket", a local newspaper in Wyoming reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in sagebrush fields near Superior, Ole Johnson, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wyoming had already gone wireless


A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.  Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."  "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"  "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"  No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!   That Japanese, not Chinese."  "Japanese, Chines, Vietnamese.. doesn't matter, you're all alike!"  There's a few minutes of silence.  "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.  "Why not?" asks the captain.  "Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds.  "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"  "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"


Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." Dorothy responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes. I'm a hooker." "I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight and your elbow locked when you tee off."


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." " Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row. His wife dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance. "See how big it is?" she said. "They can always make it faster than you can drink it." "Maybe so," said Murphy, "But I've got 'em working nights!"