A man received the following text message from his neighbor:   "I am so sorry Harry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I've been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again."   Harry, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in,  "I hate 'auto-spell' !.......... I meant "WiFi" not "wife".

Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.  The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.  About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"  "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

A drunk staggers out of a bar and let’s go of a loud belch just as a couple are walking in the door. The man yells at the drunk, "How dare you belch before this woman!" The drunk says, "I'm sorry! I didn't know she wanted to go first."

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.  Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.  The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.  So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.  The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.  The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

Good News, Bad News !  The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."  The CEO replies: "I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."  The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million."  The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"  The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary." 

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
 
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.   He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:   My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."  My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.""   My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center."  "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."  The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".   Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the idiot had a paper route!"

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip.  I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."   The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.  "Been on holiday yet, lads?"  "Off to England next month," says John.  "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.  "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."   "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.  "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."  "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.  "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
 
Two old guys, one 70 and one 75, were sitting on a park bench one morning.  The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.  The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.  The 75-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.  It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."  So, on the way home the 70-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"  She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.  Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves."  She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to eat the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."  He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me"
 
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods.  He leaned his old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.  As luck would have it, his foolish Lab "Dawson" knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.  Several  hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was  his doctor, Sven.  "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.  Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."  "What's the bad news?", asks Ole  "The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."  "Well, I  guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"  "Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."
 
A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the  Lotto?"  She says,  "I'd take half, then leave you."  "Excellent," he replies.   "I won $12.00, here's $6.00.

One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home. While walking down the hall, she came across an open door. She looked in and saw old Frank sitting up in bed pretending to drive. She asked, Frank, what are you doing?" He replied, "I'm driving to Toronto."  The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.   The next night as she walked past Frank's room she saw the same thing. Again she asked, "Frank, what are you doing?"   He replied, "I'm driving to Toronto. It's a two day trip, you know!"   The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.   Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in.  She saw Bob pretending to dance with someone.   She then asked, Bob, what are you doing?" Bob replied, "I'm dancing with Frank’s wife. He's gone to Toronto for a couple of days."

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community…. and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.  The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.  But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, “Gosh, I’d really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place”.

A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.  He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”   “Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.  “Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.  On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”  The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.  When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”  She paused and said, “Yes?”  The bird said, “You know.”

This guy says to his buddy, “You’ll never believe what happened last night.”  His buddy says, “Well then, tell me what happened.”  The guy says, “Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.”   She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”  I said, “Of course, you can,” and shut the door.

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take my TV, just the remote.   Now he drives by and changes the channels.  Sick bastard!!

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in an undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor , I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.  The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.  The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny.  "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this one on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"  Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny and trouble were old friends,...... but he always told her the truth.   "You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!  "My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! He sneaked out to the hen house, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"  "Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."  Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey, take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."    A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid, make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
 
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do?'The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.  The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out.  Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"  The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."  "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"  The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."  The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!  But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"  The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man.  Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."  "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."  That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request.  After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.  She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house.  She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.  Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow!  She's going to let the County bury her!"

There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out,"Crisco,"Crisssco!" Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five." "Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco,I am calling my wife." "Your wife is named "Crisco?" Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we're out in public." "Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?"  "Lard ass."

Wife asks husband,  "How many women have you slept with?"  Husband proudly replies, "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.  He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.  Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.  The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.  Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.   A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.  At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.  Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.  After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.   Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.   As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "  'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the IRS. '

Jack was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.  At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.  When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'   Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'  'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.   Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.  From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'   ****" No,  but I will for the faucet."****  ... and this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.  One student  said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."  The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki  Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."  Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.  Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."  The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."  The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."  The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."  So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"  The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

The  IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to  the IRS office.  The IRS auditor was not  surprised when Grandpa showed up with his  attorney.   The auditor said, 'Well, sir,  you have an extravagant lifestyle and no  full-time employment, Which you explain by  saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure  the IRS finds that believable.'  I'm a  great gambler, and I can prove it,' says  Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The  auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go  ahead.'    Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a  thousand dollars that I can bite my own  eye.'    The auditor thinks a moment and  says, 'It's a bet.'   Grandpa removes his  glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw  drops.   Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you  two thousand dollars that I can bite my other  eye.'  Now the auditor can tell Grandpa  isn't blind, so he takes the bet.   Grandpa  removes his dentures and bites his good  eye.   The stunned auditor now realizes he  has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's  attorney as a witness. He starts to get  nervous.   'Want to go double or nothing?'  Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars  that I can stand on one side of your desk, and  pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and  never get a drop anywhere in  between..'   The auditor, twice burned, is  cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides  there's no way this old guy could possibly  manage that stunt, so he agrees  again.    Grandpa stands beside the desk and  unzips his pants, but although he strains  mightily, he can't make the stream reach the  wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much  urinates all over the auditor's desk.  The  auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has  just turned a major loss into a huge  win.  But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.   'Are you  okay?' the auditor asks.   'Not really,'  says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa  told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet  me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could  come in here and piss all over your desk and  that you'd be happy about it!'

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a  neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.  A young boy, about 9, opened the door.  "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.  "No sir, he isn't," the boy replied.  "He went into town."  "Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"  "No sir, she's not here either.  She went into town with Dad."  "How about your brother, Howard?  Is he here?"  "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."  The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the  other and mumbling to himself.  "Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely.  "I know  where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one.  Or maybe I could  take a message for Dad."  "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your  Dad.  It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie,  pregnant."  The boy considered for a moment.  "You would have to talk to Pa about  that," he finally conceded.  "If it helps you any, I know that Pa  charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know  how much he gets for Howard."

Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.. ' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.  Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''  And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.  ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''  The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you  a fork,  'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, 'I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.  Let's talk.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiled. 'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replied as she opened her book, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?'

Definition of  Liquidity - when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants!

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It  almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck,  and then began moving down past the small of her  back. He  then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly  worked his hand down over  her  breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He  then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner  arm, caressed past the  side  of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh,  stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.  He  continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.  As  she had become quite aroused by this caressing,  she asked in a loving voice. 'That was  wonderful. Why did you stop?'  He  said, 'I found the remote'.  THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

Two  young Swedish men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.  Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'  Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'  Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'  Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea!  Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'  Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'  Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.  " How much do you want for the mower? " asked the preacher.  " I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle, " said the little boy.  After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, " Will you take my bike in trade for it? "   The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, " Mister, you've got yourself a deal. " The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.  The preacher called the little boy over and said, " I can't get this mower to start. "  The little boy said, " That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started. "  The preacher said, " I can't cuss. I'm a preacher and it is something we can't do. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss. "  The little boy looked at him happily and said, " You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya. "

Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game.  “What a terrible day,” he tells his wife.  “Harry dropped dead on the tenth tee.”  “Oh, that’s awful!” She says.  “You’re not kidding,” says Fred.  “For the whole back nine, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry…”

“What’s the quickest way from Memorial Stadium to our NEIADA Lincoln office?”  “Are you walking or driving?”  “I’m driving.”  “That’s definitely the quickest way.”

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section.  One asked the other if she would like a beer.  The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.  The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up the six-pack and took it to the cashier.  The cashier had a surprised look!  So the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."  "Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me."

Benny died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Benny would be pleased,' she said.  'I'm sure you're right,' replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?'  'All of it,' said Sarah. 'Forty thousand.'   'No!' Jody exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'  Sarah answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'  Jody computed quickly. '$34,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?'  'Four and a half carats.'

A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and sputter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.  Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."   The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.  There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."  Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.  When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said.  A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What s wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"  "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.  The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"  The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"  "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher ........ because the black horse don't know squat about cars.

The Maid asked for a raise.  The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"  Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."  Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"  Maria: "The Master said so."  Madam: "Oh."  Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."  Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"  Maria: "The Master did."  Madam: "Oh."  Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."  Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"  Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."  SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench, a lady turned to Ole and said, 'Are you a pole vaulter?'  Ole said, 'No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter.'

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.  'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.'  'How come?' asked Lars.'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet she can't sing.'

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.  'Have you eaten your banana yet?' Ole asked excitedly.  'No,' replied Lars.  'Vell, don't touch it den,' Ole exclaimed. 'I yust took vun bite and vent  blind!'

A man goes surgeon to have a tooth pulled.  The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.  'No way!!  No needles!!  I hate needles,' the patient said.  The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.  'I can't do the gas thing.  The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!!'  The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.   'No objection', says the patient, 'I'm fine with pills'.  The dentist then returns and says, 'here's a Viagra tablet'.  The patient says, 'Wow!  I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!'  'It doesn't', said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!!!

On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog.  He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.  About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree.  The redneck said that it was his.  The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."  The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat; she's cool kawse I got 'er tied under the shade tree."  The policeman says, "No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred."  "No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'er beef jerky this morning."  Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "No, you don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex."  The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head.  I always wanted a police dog!"

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:  Before marriage and after marriage.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.  "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience  in picking lemons?"   "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied.?   "I've been divorced three times."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.  The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will  have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."  The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A minute."  Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A penny."   Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"  The Lord replies, "In a minute."

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps w ith anybody who asks her!  I'm going crazy.  What do you think I should do?"  "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.  Now,  tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

Ole & Sven are on vacation in Texas and walk by a store window with the sign, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 a pair."  Ole says to his pal, "Sven, look at dat! Ve could buy a whole bunch of dese clothes, take 'em back to Iowa, sell 'em to all da dumbYermans up dere, and make a fortune!"  Ole continues, "Now ven ve go in dere, don't you say a vurd, okay?  Yust let me do the talkin''cause if dey hear your accent, they might tink ve're ignorant Norvegians, and dey von't vanna sell dem clothes to us.  Now, I'll talk like I'm a Texan, so dey von't know"  Ole and Sven go in and Ole says with his best fake Texas accent, "Howdy, y'all. Ah'll take 50 of them there suits at five dollahs each, 100 of them there shirts at two dollahs each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at two-fifty each. So, Ah'll just back up mah pickup and......"  The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are a coupla Norwegians from Minnesota, ain't you?"  "Vell . . yah," sas a surprised Ole "How'd you know dat?"  The owner replies, "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners."

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:  Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."  Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"  Man: "What sins?"   Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"  Man: "I'm Jewish."  ; Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"   Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eye s fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."  The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."  She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."   The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."   The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."  The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"   The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.  Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.  Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."  Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.  About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?", asked the banker.  Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."  The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"  Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."  Don't ever underestimate old Geezers.

Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says"  I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!" And  the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came  to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.  Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, Utah scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Utah newspapers read: " Utah archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."  One week later, "The Rock Springs Rocket", a local newspaper in Wyoming reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in sagebrush fields near Superior, Ole Johnson, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wyoming had already gone wireless.

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.  Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."  "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"  "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"  No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!   That Japanese, not Chinese."  "Japanese, Chines, Vietnamese.. doesn't matter, you're all alike!"  There's a few minutes of silence.  "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.  "Why not?" asks the captain.  "Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds.  "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"  "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.  Several members didn't approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.  She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.  Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing and walked away.  Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home . . . and left it there all night. You gotta love people like Henry.

Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row.  His wife dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance.  "See how big it is?" she said.  "They can always make it faster than you can drink it."  "Maybe so," said Murphy, "But I've got 'em working nights!"

After his exam the doctor said to his patient, "David, you appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"  "In fact, I do," said David.  "After I have sex with my wife I'm usually real hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."  After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Joyce, everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" Joyce replied that she had no questions or concerns.  The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern.  He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you have any idea why that might be?"  "Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.  "That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss.  "Should I give him his money back?"  "Money back?" roared the boss.  "What kind of salesman are you?  For pet sakes, get out there and sell him a houseboat!"

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.  During a break, she decide to call home collect.  My six-year old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say.  "We have a Marcia on the line.  Will you accept the charges?"  Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, Dad! They've got Mom! and they want money!"

A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice.  "I have a horse that walks normally some of the time, but then he limps badly the rest of the time.  What shall I do?"  The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.  She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her Straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.  People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".  The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.  The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.  We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.  My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."  "We proceeded a little further her and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."  "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.  I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you friggin crazy!?  She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."  "And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.  "Not yet," said the little boy.  His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.  Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.  When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.  When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.  He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.  "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.  "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.  I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.  I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."  Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.  The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."  " Mrs. Ward, please."  "Speaking."  "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."  "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.  "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."  "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Ward.  "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."  "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"  "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.  "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."  Dorothy responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes. I'm a hooker."  "I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.  Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight and your elbow locked when you tee off."

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"  The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".  The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."  The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101."  The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."  The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question.  The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."  The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"  The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.  The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.  "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.  "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.  "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.  "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.  The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.  "I'm 90 years old," he says.  "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"  "Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

Father O'Malley answers the phone "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"  "It is"  "This is the IRS. Can you help us?"  "I can"  "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"  "I do"  "Is he a member of your congregation?"  "He is"  "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"  "He will".

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"  Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."  Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"  Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.  Bubba gets in line.  When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"  Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."  So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.  After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"  Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday in Baton Rouge."

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.  It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.  The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.  He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant ... then he remembered his wife.  Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.  The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!"  "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!"  The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.  The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.  "Twenty dollars," she whispers.  He'd never been with a hooker before, so he decides to try it, it's only twenty bucks.  So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.  "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.  "I'm making love to my vife! ," Ole answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry,"  says the cop, "I didn't know."  "Vell," Ole says, "neider did I, til you shined dat dam light in her face!!"

Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, then promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end! Amen

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage."  The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"  The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?  Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?  Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?  Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"  The clerk says, "Well, no!"  "If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"  "Well, I probably wouldn't!"  With deep self- righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?"  The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"  The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"  The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"  The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."  The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"  The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"  The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer.. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."  The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

Two kids are arguing over whose dad is the wimpiest. The first one says, "My dad is so scared during lightning storms that he hides under the bed."  The second kid says, "That's nothing.... my dad is so scared when my mom works night shift that he sleeps with the lady next door!"

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co- worker is wearing an earring.  This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."  The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."  "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.   His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing  one?"  "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

On the first day of school , the children brought gifts for their teacher.  The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.  The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.  Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box, The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.  "Is it wine?" she guessed.  "No," the boy replied.  She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"  She tasted yet another drop and asked, " Scotch?"  "No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy."

My wife and I are watching  "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed.  I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"  "No." She answered.  I then said, "Is that your final answer?"  Yes." She replied.  Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."  That's the last thing I remember.

A woman was sitting at a bar, enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered.  He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.  The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.  Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 -- on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said . . . "Clean my house."

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the Temple's Marriage Marathon, the Rabbi asked the husband, Morris, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.  The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."  The Rabbi inquired "Trips to where?"  "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."  The Rabbi then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Morris Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"  "I'm going to go back and get her."

Tom decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.  His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.  After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat".  Tom gets this horrified look on his face.  She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"  Tom replies, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."  "Ex-wife!,”  she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"   "I wasn't!" 

A Florida couple, Moe and Flo, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" Moe says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" Moe says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, and we can't go to her house I'm married, and we can't go to my house.  The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."