Look here for a few little things to brighten your day!
Two young Swedish men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?' Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!' Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.' Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.' Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?' Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'
Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row. His wife dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance. "See how big it is?" she said. "They can always make it faster than you can drink it." "Maybe so," said Murphy, "But I've got 'em working nights!"
A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. "I have a horse that walks normally some of the time, but then he limps badly the rest of the time. What shall I do?" The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her Straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.! She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
Two guys out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR; all of a sudden guy #1 says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months." Guy #2 sips his beer and says, "You'd better think it over. Women like that are hard to find.
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e e-e-ha-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye e-e-e ha-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, Utah scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Utah newspapers read: " Utah archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers." One week later, "The Rock Springs Rocket", a local newspaper in Wyoming reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in sagebrush fields near Superior, Ole Johnson, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wyoming had already gone wireless
Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!" And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "
A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further her and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you friggin crazy!? She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present." "Not to worry," said the dad... "The important thing is that we're all here together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad. I just flew in from L A. and didn't have time to get you a present...Sorry." "It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here." Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married." The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the dad, "and cheap ones too!"
A Catholic priest has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and He points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at! the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike."
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old man," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January.
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!" No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese." "Japanese, Chines, Vietnamese.. doesn't matter, you're all alike!" There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces. "Why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds. "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"
There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eye s fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
Father O'Malley answers the phone "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" "It is" "This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can" "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" "I do" "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is" "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will".
Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, then promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end! Amen
A man owned a small independent used car dealership in Nebraska. The Nebraska Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the dealer, "There's my salesman who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $2000 a month plus commission and free medical insurance. The lot boy has been here for 18 months, and I pay him $500 per week plus furnishing him the equipment and supplies. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own medical insurance, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night." "That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the dealer.
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. "Were they trying to steal it?" he asked. "Heavens no!" they replied, "we bought it." "Then why don't you drive it away?" "We can't drive" came their reply. "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting."
Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell!!. It never happens when I am on my own". This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is". Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 70 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in the pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty. They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now, there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?" "Smell it? Lady, I'm sittin' in it!!
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." " Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." Dorothy responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes. I'm a hooker." "I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight and your elbow locked when you tee off."
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You kidding me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat; she's cool kawse I got 'er tied under the shade tree." The policeman says, "No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred." "No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'er beef jerky this morning." Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "No, you don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex." The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog!"
The Maid asked for a raise. The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?" Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "The Master said so." Madam: "Oh." Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?" Maria: "The Master did." Madam: "Oh." Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?" Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did." SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." ; Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."
A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and sputter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What s wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!" "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?" "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher ........ because the black horse don't know squat about cars.
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. " How much do you want for the mower? " asked the preacher. " I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle, " said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, " Will you take my bike in trade for it? " The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, " Mister, you've got yourself a deal. " The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, " I can't get this mower to start. " The little boy said, " That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started. " The preacher said, " I can't cuss. I'm a preacher and it is something we can't do. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss. " The little boy looked at him happily and said, " You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya. "
